DATING TIPS
(The following tips apply to religious shidduch dating based on halacha and Torah hashkafa)
1) First of all ask yourself why are you dating? What is the goal? Am I ready for marriage? If you cannot answer these questions satisfactorily, that probably means you are not ready to date or you need to clarify these matters more before you begin dating.
2) If you have decided you are ready to date, first of all you need to make a short list of (not more than five) things that are absolutely vital for you to have both in your life and your spouse. Do not list things like "nice person" or "good midot". Everyone want's that and it is too vague. Narrow down descriptions that are specific to you. Here is a sample list from when I was dating:
a) I want a wife who has a passion for Torah study and spiritual growth.
b) I need a wife who will be passionate about living in Israel preferably in the countryside.
c) I want a wife who is not materialistic.
d) I need a wife who is not argumentative.
By the way; I found all those wonderful qualities in my wife and I believe that because I came prepared for dating (along with some divine assistance), we were able to become engaged very quickly.
Here is another example from a friend who is more of an academic and modern type:
a) I want a wife who is intelligent and has an academic degree.
b) It is very important to me that my wife is open to educating our children with both Torah and secular knowledge.
c) I want a wife who will see value in our children serving in the Israel Defense Forces.
d) I want a wife who will enjoy going to cultural events with me.
If you know what you are looking for and what is truly important to you, dating will be a much more pleasant experience and you will narrow down your dates to people who have similar life outlooks to you.
3) In my opinion, you really need to only focus on three main points when dating:
a) Am i attracted to this person
b) Do we have "common destiny"?
c) Do we have basic chemistry?
Now I will explain. If you are not attracted to your shidduch, you will not be able to get engaged. Having said that, sometimes you need to allow the physical attraction to grow a bit. Many times once you connect to a persons charm and personality, you will also find them more physically attractive. Therefore, unless you are very unattracted, give it some time, if you see other great qualities that you do like in the person. If you are unattracted and also do not see qualities in the person that you would like to pursue, that is a sign that this person is probably not your soul mate. If you gave it a chance and you still are not attracted, you need to end the relationship. This is a good time to explain that there will always be someone "more attractive". What I am describing here is basic attraction, meaning, you find the person pleasant looking. Especially men (but not exclusively) get hung up on looks too much. Basic attraction is enough to get engaged and have a happy marriage. As you learn to love one another on a deeper level, you will also naturally see the true beauty in one another.
Common destiny means that you and your shidduch have similar life goals and spiritual pursuits. You do not have to have the exact same hashkafa and goals per se, but they need to be somewhat similar and non-contradictory. If you feel yourself agreeing with your date mostly and respecting what they say and what they stand for, there is a very good chance you have common destiny.
Basic chemistry is the biggest obstacle for inexperienced daters. Your dating life is not a script out of a romantic Hollywood film. Don't expect fireworks and violin serenades. If you have attraction and common destiny, chemistry can be worked on. Perhaps you need to be more open in your discussions. Perhaps one or both sides are too nervous. Perhaps you want to say a kind word but are affraid it won't be reciprocated and you will feel rejected. Once you have a good rapport and things are going in the right direction, you might need to actively develop the chemistry. I will G-d willing speak about that more in my more advanced dating tips.
4) Now let's get a bit more practical. Keep the first date or two very short. 60-90 minutes is sufficient. The sole purpose of these initial dates is to see if there is any attraction and to see if there is common ground that can be built on.
5) Go somewhere that is not noisy! If you keep getting frustrated because you can't hear or can't be heard you won't be able to relax and have a decent conversation. If you don't like crowds then find a place that is quiet. You need to create/find an atmosphere that will be most conducive to having a relaxed stimulating conversation.
6) Rest up especially before the first couple of dates. You want to make a good impression. If you can't keep your eyes open while listening to your date talking, you will give the impression that you are callous and not a good listener (when in reality you are just exhausted).
7) Keep a positive attitude! Even if this is your hundredth shidduch date, you are one step closer to finding your soul-mate (although, if it really is your hundredth shidduch date, you need to contact me for some shidduch coaching...). Coming to the date jaded and negative will certainly not make a good impression and will insure that things won't work out. Be positive and excited about meeting a new person. Keep it fun. That way you are at least giving it a chance of working. Even if this is not the right person for you, you can still have a civilized, stimulating conversation. Who knows, maybe your date is perfect for your best friend! (happened to me...)
8) You need to have a balance between too much and too little hishtadlus (pre-date investigative effort). On the one hand, it is not necessary to hire a private detective to follow your potential shidduch for weeks prior to the meeting and speak to every one of their teachers since the second grade. On the other hand, you don't want to meet a person you know absolutely nothing about. In my opinion, you need to make a list of three or four unique important things that you absolutely require in a mate and see if your shidduch is in the "ballpark". The rest you can discuss in person. If their is something especially unique that you require (for example- you are not willing to compromise living outside of Israel or you absolutely need someone who is not overweight etc.) than ask these questions to the shadchan before you are set up.
9) Prayer works! Spend a few minutes in personal prayer before your date. Don't ask G-d to help you marry this particular person but ask that you should merit meeting your soul mate.
10) Take interest in your date. Most of the conversation should center around you inquiring about your date while peppering in information about yourself so that they get to know what you are about too.
11) *For the guys*- Offer to pay! You do not want your dates first impression of you to be that you are cheap. If you are on tight budget than at least offer to buy a hot drink for your date. You don't necessarily have to buy her a meal.
MORE ADVANCED DATING TIPS COMING SOON B'H!
(The following tips apply to religious shidduch dating based on halacha and Torah hashkafa)
1) First of all ask yourself why are you dating? What is the goal? Am I ready for marriage? If you cannot answer these questions satisfactorily, that probably means you are not ready to date or you need to clarify these matters more before you begin dating.
2) If you have decided you are ready to date, first of all you need to make a short list of (not more than five) things that are absolutely vital for you to have both in your life and your spouse. Do not list things like "nice person" or "good midot". Everyone want's that and it is too vague. Narrow down descriptions that are specific to you. Here is a sample list from when I was dating:
a) I want a wife who has a passion for Torah study and spiritual growth.
b) I need a wife who will be passionate about living in Israel preferably in the countryside.
c) I want a wife who is not materialistic.
d) I need a wife who is not argumentative.
By the way; I found all those wonderful qualities in my wife and I believe that because I came prepared for dating (along with some divine assistance), we were able to become engaged very quickly.
Here is another example from a friend who is more of an academic and modern type:
a) I want a wife who is intelligent and has an academic degree.
b) It is very important to me that my wife is open to educating our children with both Torah and secular knowledge.
c) I want a wife who will see value in our children serving in the Israel Defense Forces.
d) I want a wife who will enjoy going to cultural events with me.
If you know what you are looking for and what is truly important to you, dating will be a much more pleasant experience and you will narrow down your dates to people who have similar life outlooks to you.
3) In my opinion, you really need to only focus on three main points when dating:
a) Am i attracted to this person
b) Do we have "common destiny"?
c) Do we have basic chemistry?
Now I will explain. If you are not attracted to your shidduch, you will not be able to get engaged. Having said that, sometimes you need to allow the physical attraction to grow a bit. Many times once you connect to a persons charm and personality, you will also find them more physically attractive. Therefore, unless you are very unattracted, give it some time, if you see other great qualities that you do like in the person. If you are unattracted and also do not see qualities in the person that you would like to pursue, that is a sign that this person is probably not your soul mate. If you gave it a chance and you still are not attracted, you need to end the relationship. This is a good time to explain that there will always be someone "more attractive". What I am describing here is basic attraction, meaning, you find the person pleasant looking. Especially men (but not exclusively) get hung up on looks too much. Basic attraction is enough to get engaged and have a happy marriage. As you learn to love one another on a deeper level, you will also naturally see the true beauty in one another.
Common destiny means that you and your shidduch have similar life goals and spiritual pursuits. You do not have to have the exact same hashkafa and goals per se, but they need to be somewhat similar and non-contradictory. If you feel yourself agreeing with your date mostly and respecting what they say and what they stand for, there is a very good chance you have common destiny.
Basic chemistry is the biggest obstacle for inexperienced daters. Your dating life is not a script out of a romantic Hollywood film. Don't expect fireworks and violin serenades. If you have attraction and common destiny, chemistry can be worked on. Perhaps you need to be more open in your discussions. Perhaps one or both sides are too nervous. Perhaps you want to say a kind word but are affraid it won't be reciprocated and you will feel rejected. Once you have a good rapport and things are going in the right direction, you might need to actively develop the chemistry. I will G-d willing speak about that more in my more advanced dating tips.
4) Now let's get a bit more practical. Keep the first date or two very short. 60-90 minutes is sufficient. The sole purpose of these initial dates is to see if there is any attraction and to see if there is common ground that can be built on.
5) Go somewhere that is not noisy! If you keep getting frustrated because you can't hear or can't be heard you won't be able to relax and have a decent conversation. If you don't like crowds then find a place that is quiet. You need to create/find an atmosphere that will be most conducive to having a relaxed stimulating conversation.
6) Rest up especially before the first couple of dates. You want to make a good impression. If you can't keep your eyes open while listening to your date talking, you will give the impression that you are callous and not a good listener (when in reality you are just exhausted).
7) Keep a positive attitude! Even if this is your hundredth shidduch date, you are one step closer to finding your soul-mate (although, if it really is your hundredth shidduch date, you need to contact me for some shidduch coaching...). Coming to the date jaded and negative will certainly not make a good impression and will insure that things won't work out. Be positive and excited about meeting a new person. Keep it fun. That way you are at least giving it a chance of working. Even if this is not the right person for you, you can still have a civilized, stimulating conversation. Who knows, maybe your date is perfect for your best friend! (happened to me...)
8) You need to have a balance between too much and too little hishtadlus (pre-date investigative effort). On the one hand, it is not necessary to hire a private detective to follow your potential shidduch for weeks prior to the meeting and speak to every one of their teachers since the second grade. On the other hand, you don't want to meet a person you know absolutely nothing about. In my opinion, you need to make a list of three or four unique important things that you absolutely require in a mate and see if your shidduch is in the "ballpark". The rest you can discuss in person. If their is something especially unique that you require (for example- you are not willing to compromise living outside of Israel or you absolutely need someone who is not overweight etc.) than ask these questions to the shadchan before you are set up.
9) Prayer works! Spend a few minutes in personal prayer before your date. Don't ask G-d to help you marry this particular person but ask that you should merit meeting your soul mate.
10) Take interest in your date. Most of the conversation should center around you inquiring about your date while peppering in information about yourself so that they get to know what you are about too.
11) *For the guys*- Offer to pay! You do not want your dates first impression of you to be that you are cheap. If you are on tight budget than at least offer to buy a hot drink for your date. You don't necessarily have to buy her a meal.
MORE ADVANCED DATING TIPS COMING SOON B'H!